If sports ruled the world...

I'm not voting in the California Primaries tomorrow. There are a couple reasons for that. The first being that it turns out I'm registered in three counties, Sacramento, San Diego and Los Angeles. I don't know how that really happened but either way I'm not driving all the way down to San Diego, or up to Sacramento just to vote for a candidate I'm not 100 percent sure about.

The second reason I'm not voting is because I'm driving up to Pebble Beach tomorrow morning to cover the AT&T Celebrity Pro-Am for my dad's radio show, Golf Talk. Not quite all the way up to Sac, and San Diego is out of the way.

And the third reason I'm not voting is because I really just don't know who the hell to vote for. I know which candidates stand where on certain positions but to be completely honest, I have become so disillusioned with politics in the past few years. (This, from a poli sci minor who once had a weekly political column her her junior college newspaper.)

You may have read Opinion Editor Duke Rescola's column today that included some of my picks, and you're probably thinking they're absolutely ridiculous and I probably need to think about something other than sports. But thats not how I think.

Instead of being forced to choose someone who is on the ballot, I decided to just create my own.

My Republicans Candidates

President: George Mitchell
Vice President: Bud Selig

Their Cabinets

Chief of Staff: Barry Bonds
Press Secretary: Jason Giambi

Yes, I know George Mitchell is a lifelong Dem, but his recent steroids report just seemed like a McCarthy-esque witch hunt, and Joseph McCarthy was a Republican.

Bud Selig is his little partner in crime these days so it only makes sense he would be the VP.

In terms of Mitchell's cabinet, Barry Bonds seems like the likely choice for chief of staff because he's been the ring leader of much of baseball's steroids gang. And Jason Giambi is the obvious choice for White House Press Secretary because we all know the former Long Beach State Dirtbag just loves to talk to the media. And I'm all for someone from CSULB in the White House.

My Democratic Candidates

President: Tiger Woods
Vice President: Phil Mickelson

Their Cabinet
Chief of Staff: Bill Belichick
Press Secretary: Plaxico Burress

I am all about the "Tiger Woods For President" campaign. Enough with the Ron Paul Revolution, Tiger Woods wins everything. Really though, he wins everything (except for the one tournament in his hometown of LA, but he never plays in it for that reason anyway). It only makes sense that if he ran for president he'd probably win that too.

Phil Mickelson always comes in second to Tiger in the big tournaments (green jackets from Augusta aside). He just can't catch up to him, so if he ran against him he'd probably come in second, just like he does every year on his home course of Torrey Pines. Taking the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" mentality, Phil should just run with him.

Now as for their cabinet, Bill Belichick is well versed in the art of espionage so he'd make a great chief of staff. Plaxico Burress loves to voice his predictions to the media, therefore making him the perfect candidate for Press Secretary.

My Independent Candidates

The entire Manning family
President: Peyton
Vice President: Eli

Their Cabinet

Chief of Staff: Archie (Peyton and Eli's father)
Press Secretary: Cooper Manning (oldest of the three Manning brothers)

I know Eli did just lead the Giants to a huge Superbowl victory just yesterday, but Peyton is still one of the best QBs in the league, and as the older, more established Manning, it would have to be Peyton for Pres. Little bro would have to settle for VP.

Their daddy Archie would run the staff since he obviously did a good job of managing the Manning clan while they were growing up. And their oldest brother Cooper, whose football career ended with a serious spinal injury in college at Ole' Miss, would be the spokesperson of the clan.

Now here are my picks for athletes that should be kept out of politics:


* Kobe Bryant: The guy can't make up his damn mind! He loves LA, he hates LA, he hates the management, he wants to star, he wants to win, he wants to go to the team that is as good as the joke of the NBA and play for fellow sexophile Isiah Thomas. How in the world is he supposed to make a decision on national security?
* Shaquille O'Neal: He makes more enemies than friends on the court - just imagine him in a UN meeting.
* Ron Artest: Artest actually may make a decent defense secretary since no one will dare mess with him now. Jason Kidd as well since he's always defending himself against his wife (allegedly). But Artest's temper is way too volatile to be in a high-powered position.

You know now that I think about it, I think it would be best to just keep the NBA out of politics all together.